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Life is a Ritual

The following is an excerpt from September 29, 2020. This was from my very first day that I started my journey on HRT. As I read this post I thought of the people who are also thinking about starting to transition, or are curious about the thoughts of people transitioning. My writing speaks to the journey that I'm walking and as I engage with space further I share these words so that if it resonates with one person then I think it did its job. Enjoy the following <3

"To me, life is a ritual. Today I was inducted further into the life of that of my fellow counterparts.

“1 needle, at a 75 degree angle on the left or right side of the abdomen with a pinch of spironalictine please!” exactly what the doctor prescribed.

I lean into this moment because as I sit here in my red San Gabriel Valley LGBTQ Center shirt I know this is just one beginning of many I will embark in my lifetime. As I open and close doors I allow myself to see the way that this medicine, this daily moment with myself and God will allow me to fly beyond the lands I’ve already reached.

1 needle into a bottle of estrogen. A pinch of the skin followed by a prick. We pull out to ensure there is no blood and when all systems are a go we yell, “FIRE IN THE HOLE!” and shoot the estradiol into my precious skin. In this moment I know it is me and God stating that this is what we need to do.

To feel happy I’ve leaned into the experience of the woman I am birthing. I’d say that the last four years have shown me a thing or two about resilience, rage, and the ruckus that goes on in my head. I became the lion tamer, seeing the carnival for what it was and understanding it was a show I was meant to claim. Like every system I found myself at the bottom, lost and climbed my way through the very structures which laid to be.

I allowed myself to see that I was holding the ring of fire, I was the temptress, I was the person being birthed. To let my invincible and impossible come to the surface I had to acknowledge that I was meant for more. I cry because it feels so good to know I have a home, a family, and an environment which supports my biggest growth.

I love my family, I love the energy that they bring and the truth that has been unearthed is because we’ve learned to exist in this pod together. This year allowed us to have the conversations that we needed to have, to figure out how to coexist in a state that spoke to both our restlessness and our ability to want more out of this life. We carved into ourselves and in the process our shavings became another sculpture that existed as a family. I don’t tell them enough, because affection was not something we existed in but I truly believe they are what keeps me alive.

It is knowing that throughout all these years, these folks have shown me that I too can love. I too can look out into the world and know that I was here to make change. I want to affirm that it was through understanding of my character and capacity that I learned to see myself. I learned to exist in time, and through each moment grow closer to the people who matter most.

I’m ready. I don’t know when I’ll ever be this ready again. I have to take the leap again knowing that I’m safe to do this."

I've been leaping in a way that I'm not used to. In engaging with my weekly gender tonic I allow myself to become even more vulnerable in this journey. I release the masks that I've worn in my life and allow my truth to shine further. In 2021 I promise to myself to keep going further and lean into the person being birthed.

To you, the reader, I thank you for engaging with these posts. May you enjoy the pieces of my heart and also begin to think about the pieces of your heart. If you haven't been told this year I want to just say that I love you. Even if we've never met in person there is a reason you are seeing this post so thank you.

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