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Intricacies of a Year

10/23/2019

This was the very first day I leaped into the unknown. It was in that same week that I had just been crying my eyes out as I was driving home – understanding that I didn’t know where I was headed but that there was a place for me out there that I knew could allow my wings to soar. On this day one year ago I woke up with a sense of relief, away from a monotonous desk job in which even the strongest are pummeled 20,000 leagues under the sea. A year ago and two weeks before I walked right into the office of my general manager at the time, and asked her, “Is this the form I turn in for my two week notice?”


I remember that day like it was yesterday. I had been crying because of the late shipments from August / September, I felt like my team didn’t value the effort or energy that I put in, and I felt like I was just a cog in this toxic cycle the customer service world leaves you in. I heard a whisper in my heart, ear, and all around me that acknowledged if I didn’t go in there then that I wouldn’t go in there ever. I leaned into the moment and knew that I was meant to leave that office at that exact moment – another day more and slowly it would’ve become another 6 months. I walked out of there with my head held high, my eyes set on the closing of a chapter, and the inkling that even though I didn’t know where I was going – I knew exactly where I couldn’t be anymore.


10/23/2020

This past year took me through more exercises that I would’ve ever anticipated. I allowed myself to become softer, and keep a focus on where my heart wanted to be. That same day on the 23rd of October I received my acceptance into the Seeds of Liberation Leadership Program – it was an experience unlike any other. One that challenged both my wit and valor, one that also pivoted for me to unpack my values and further carve space for the woman who was being birthed. I embraced the intricacies and complexities of the tongue and allowed myself to go deeper than I had ever before; I felt my heart for once. I applied to the Stonewall Democrats Leadership program and after one beautiful graduation I welcomed in the world ahead of me.


2020 has allowed me to see what bridges I want to help build in this world. In allowing myself to believe beyond any capacity I’ve ever existed in I became a Zumba instructor this year. This modality has allowed me to take shape in a way that is making my unimaginable soar. I’m letting my bones, breathe, and beat come together so that the person in me who knows how to play is given the space needed to soar beyond any castle walls. I was meant to fly, my wings were meant to touch the sky and feel the rays of a burning star against their back. Unlike Icarus mine aren’t made of wax, they’re rooted into my body in a way that holds my spine upright. My gigantic white feathers casting a shadow on the past terrains I’ve walked.


2020 was the year that a pandemic occurred and I was able to slow down. I went from 3 jobs, to one job in a matter of 4/5 months. I was allowed to take off the many masks I was wearing and ask myself what I truly wanted, what did I stand for, and who would be by my side to experience it? I asked myself questions that I never thought, I’m even exploring a desire that I’ve dreamed of but haven’t walked. This year asked me to reach into the core of who I am at my spirit and truly prod at the idea of what it would look like to embody a different skin. In an instant your life can change, but this year has showed me that truly it is in every breathe that you can see change.


As I continue to grow I think of the many things I’ve ended recently and will also be ending soon. I was in a leadership program held by the Stonewall Democrats Club that ended in November. Through this program, and it being an election year, I’ve been able to connect with some folks doing the work that have shown me how it looks like to lead with passion, and a diligent need to represent LGBTQIA+ folks everywhere. Alongside this I finished up a workshop held by Shawndeez, a queer PHD candidate whose workshop was centered around Trans Joy as a practice. I was able to see the muscle I was meant to workout, the smiles coming out of me more naturally now. It is this need for centering joy within our existence as Trans, Gender Non-Conforming and Intersex Folks that I’m learning further that joy is vital, and that Trans Joy is Real!


I’m at another mountain top, similar to the one I was in a year ago but not quite as jaded. I’m above the clouds now and can see what storms lie ahead for me in the direction of the lands I’ve yet to cross. I lean into my heart and wait for the beat from the world to tell me that it’s time to jump – I release the tendency to think that it all needs to be done now and ease into the rest. I’m still trans, I’m still a badass, and I’m still an instructor. Only this time, I’ve been learning how to instruct myself again how to navigate this vessel. My earthly calling yearns for more while my spirit creates the space for my future to exist. This paradox creating the perfect black hole in which I will enter my next dimension.


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