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A Letter to My Younger Queer Self

Dear Camila,

I welcome you to 2021 because today all I can think about is how many times we've revolved around this Gregorian calendar. To be at the top of the 21st year in the 21st century is interesting because we have to speak about the year that 2020 brought us. I think of this year as one that will hold a bookmark for many on what places they found their heart in. I think of myself currently and the way I'm writing and see that this is a place of solace I've always had. I even think about dancing and see that I'm even growing this relationship with myself also.

If I had to write a letter to my younger queer self it would talk about the ambitions I had of 3 jobs, and ending up losing two due to a pandemic. I would have to give life to the moments where I felt life itself was taken from me. I'd speak of the love I felt this year and also the deep questions that left me at the depths of my soul. A year unlike any other means this in all shapes and sizes, my mold only fitting the body I was meant to carry.

To allow this letter to have space in my heart is to also give space to forgiveness. I think of all the previous experiences I've gone through and see that I needed a moment to slow down as well, and in this space the right action would meet my inaction. I see this time and space as something I'm growing further because in allowing my unimaginable to grow I'm letting the artist in me lead the way forward. I use previous methods which have worked to make 2021 the year that the performer in me had the audacity to dream bigger.

I speak to the younger artist in me who didn't know that dancing would be the thing that opened my portals. I allow space for the one who experienced Creating Change back in 2015 and since that day knew each breathe was a step closer to the future. I allow this letter to have shape in the world because it has always been through writing words that pull at my heart that I've metastasized to my current size. I transport back to that hotel in Denver and recall that many versions of yourself can both die and be reborn again if you allow yourself.

I give myself permission to step into the fire once more. I allow the moment to capture me and like a phoenix embrace the role that embers play in my development. I unearth the words from my catacombs and display them so that others may heal as well. I practice through a letter to myself because I think starting 2021 reminding yourself of the past you will catapult you into today's present state. Through the looking glass we see the chess game ahead and notice just how many steps until we're met with our match. With each move we dream of the checkmate that will set us free.

This 2021 I recall the blank slate feeling I felt many years ago and embody the practices that sing to my heart. May they slowly form in the world the way they are meant too; may they give birth naturally in due time. Like a phoenix I rise from the ashes and take shape in the world via my new form. With wings ready to fly I set my sights on the iron throne that waits for me.



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