The following is an excerpt from December 30th, 2018. As I share this post two years later I think about the person I've birthed since then. I also think about the battles I've won, lost, and have had to not even engage with because it wasn't worth it. I reflect on the person who wrote this at the end of 2018 and send her the biggest hug. May you enjoy this excerpt and think about where you have been these last two years. Ask yourself, how did 2018 end?
"Just some days, you’ll walk out of your house and the first thing you will think / see are the numbers “666.” Thinking of the way I’ve constantly had to rebuke my past history and strut forward shows me the way that this year is different than any other.
What I’ve learned this year is one of trial and error. To become my full form I have had to rid myself of the past negativity and also the past ways of my toxicity. In order to become my full form I have to acknowledge what makes me feel like me and entrust that it will bring me to my highest and greatest good. On this Saturday – I sit at this coffee shop and think of what a year it has been. In seeing how we interact with the world and how my effort plays a role in others I’m engaging in space differently. I’m learning to become myself; to see myself for the full woman that I am outside of the noise.
To claim her is to tame her. I’m becoming myself but I’m also learning to see the way that the world is asking for me to be there for her. I’m being called to the things that serve me to this full form because it allows me to see the way that this world has been influenced. In thinking of this “era of the influencer” I tend to fall in line with the millennial mindset that we are all star beings engaging with the Earth in a way that works for us. It is an almost therapeutic process in which we ask her what is needed, how we are a part of that and we push ourselves to the limit learning how the world is allowing us to be our best selves.
I’m excited to see the woman that I am carving become more and more real. In seeing how I woke up today I found myself exhausted at the past cycles that I’ve had. I’m sad when I think of the negativity that is around. I see a sparkling of light and I follow her to the ends of the world. In seeing the growth within my own family I see how aging and development play a pivotal role in the making of a young mind. Hers being the closest to us all. To be older and see how we engage with the world truly shows me how different we all are. As beings – we are becoming our full forms.
I’m excavating, digging deep into the parts of my soul that I don’t even talk about. I dance – and I’m carved into by the socioeconomic status of all of us around. Like a true chameleon I gauge my surroundings – I see the way that the path for others is sparked by mine. I’m learning to take worth in what I do because sometimes I feel as though I’m being walked on. In seeing the way that I’m learning to follow my heart further I’m searching for the answers through my business engagements that will prepare me for law school I’m seeing how these will show me the way to have these hard conversations. I’m seeing that it is something that will be a part of my life many turns.
The conversation I need to have is one that will determine if I’m ready. I sit here; I sit away from the noise of my family and with the beauty of Spanish boleros I’m becoming a version of me, la camaleón, that is learning to see the world differently. In seeing the blessing of the noise around me I’ve definitely grown as a being. My scales being shown through the way I hide myself in these corners. The corner of a coffee shop, the corner food table at a San Gabriel Valley LGBTQ Center event, or even a night out until the silence of the night.
My time recently has been something I’m reclaiming. In seeing that ownership is the biggest conversation I hope to learn something that will get me out of this sadness. I allow the words to pour over me, to wash onto this page and share with you all a fragment of my mind that I craft for my readers. My name is Camila, and I’m writing from my soul."
As I end 2020 the easiest words to share would be to show up. It's a lesson in understanding that we won't have the answers, but in allowing ourselves to ask the questions we can create the reality we wish to engage in. I've learned more about what I was capable of since 2018 and I am excited to learn even more as I begin to rummage through the areas that need fine tuning. Through this, I will leave us all with the following question, how do you want 2020 to end?