I Have Been Changed... For Good

This piece today is a love letter to all versions of me this Trans Week of Remembrance. Every letter a moment to remember the power that TGI folks are capable of. Each sentence a fragment of my imagination curated for your enjoyment today. Each paragraph a portion of my heart for you to take on your own yellow brick road ahead. My compass pointing to this city of green we’re all meant to explore. 

When I was younger I was in Chamber Choir. I sang for days beforehand and tried really hard on my audition. As someone who uses their voice often in boardrooms it was in that show room that another version of me was born - and is still being born. The experience of learning what my vocal cords could do showing me that the score of life is meant to be interpreted. In last night’s film this piece of me was awakened once again.   

When I was younger I didn’t know that I could be desirable, loved, or cared for. I think because I came out at such a young age (mid-teens) and am now out longer than I haven’t been out I’m learning what it means to be here. To exist as trans femme baddie but also knowing & remembering every day that I’m just another person following her heart and journey. Like that of Elphaba and of Glinda - my journey showcasing the unique path I was meant to walk and that of the people I’m meant to walk it with.

When I was younger I always knew that I’d end up here. Now 4+ years on hormones, 7+ years of growing my hair out, and almost one full year of the magic being a Policy Director is teaching me. In the past year I’ve cried, thought deep on, and delved into the depths of myself to find the path forward. I’m trekking down a yellow brick road only my heart knows how to guide me through, and only through closing my eyes and hearing the rhythm of my heart will I find the way.

When I was younger I thought that my queer and trans experience was going to be one full of lovely moments, sparkles, and all this joy + laughter that never stops. But as I enter 30 I clearly see the pervasive nature of life itself, and of the rawness each emotion expressed releases. In this post-election period I’m navigating a lot of grief, sadness, and rightful anger + rage at the battle we have ahead. Every emotion teaching me another chapter of the full story I was meant to interpret, and of the energy being born.

Tonight I’m holding close that we’re all heading to the same place. This world not yet born that we visit time and time again to heal the deepest parts of ourselves. This Emerald City - a treasured land we’ve grown accustomed to dreaming about but not all have the luxury to see manifest. This Emerald City of Oz a cherished and imagined land our people continue to find home in.